I hold you in my hands, a little animal

a strange and funny story

2005-06-29T19:40:30Z

This evening my mom comes into my bro's room and asks whose jeans she's found. they were not mine nor my bro's ones (and even not my dad's...). so we decide to put them on - and they fit me perfectly. Then I put my hand into the back pocket and... take out a used condom (thanks god it'd gone through our washing machine:)! wow! I couldn't believe my eyes!
we still don't know whose jeans they are. God, that is so weird!!!! ah!
the funniest thing that's happened to me for last weeks.

Busy and... busy

2005-06-24T19:31:42Z

My bro's grumbling that he wants to sleep (it's 1.25 am here) - so I'll cut the story short.
Guessing that I'm the only person who can help ME, I made up my mind to do some self-therapy. We'll see the results.
For now - here you are - the most positive impression of the last several weeks. Such a funny movie!!!

here I am

2005-06-21T19:21:57Z

Been a while since I wrote last time.
Nothing great happened that deserved any attention and besides I'm getting more and more tired, so now I sleep at nights instead of sitting in the I-net. I even have no strength for writing, it's bad...
Again, in everyday things I forget about some important points of my life as creativity, self-expression and self-education. I don't want to lose myself at all, I want to pour out all my emotions, ideas and thoughts. But others try to make me think that my manager's work is the best vocation of my life. Heh.
PS: saw a local rock-star today and got his autograph - my first one, really. Hurray for fans!

hurray!

2005-06-10T19:21:04Z

Finally it's with me!

Tomorrow there'll be costume birthday party at a frien's of mine. I'm so anxious about it - such fun! all the detail - later!
Need to sleep...

I'm ok!

2005-06-07T19:54:03Z

What worried me last days? Many things. But now it feels like there's complete vacuum in and outside me. And all I think is if I'm really egoistic. Perhaps. Usually my thoughts are concentrated on my needs. Is that too bad? I just wait for a bit of harmony and for that I need:
- to get second higher education
- to change my job
- to forget about some people
- and not to forget about some other people
- new items for make-up
- new hair-cut
- to go to gym.
I lost my inspiration and some joy of life. I'm scared that I'm getting too common, angry and dumb. So if you have any ideas how to avoid it - please, you're welcome!

Comandante Che

2005-06-05T19:57:28Z

I watched "The motorcyclist's diaries" yesterday. An impressive movie and a great person. I understood that after all my life has no meaning - I can't change the world because even HE couldn't. It's sad to feel yourself as a part of some system or machine. It's awful to realize that you have less power or strength than the others. And all your problems seem to be so minuscule.
Hm...
PS: "Madagascar" is the funniest thing I've seen recently. Enjoyed it very much!!!

Tired

2005-06-01T19:06:40Z

I feel tired and sleepy. Hiding one's feelings is a tiresome thing, indeed.
We went to see Conny in the hospital. He's stuck in "the black stripe" of his life - his parents called him to say that the flat'd been robbed and his PC had gone. All his work that has been done for years now is lost - his PC is the essence of the life for him. Such a pity!
I also have no more strength to be someone's entertainer, so I avoid companies and walk slowly home.
I need peace, rest and sleep.
KC's album on CD will be tomorrow in these cats_shaped hands - hurray!

OMG

2005-05-31T20:22:02Z

So many things happened during the last week that I even wanted to quit my job, cry a lot and die. Paranoid my reaction was, as usual, and shock - that was my state.
I had too many problems at work. But nothing more about that... Now I feel better. I miss my dog and I know that it was my bro who buried it. Rita came to him in dreams for a couple of times and I can't help him.
I miss my Placebo & Keane stage - when I was obsessed with these bands and wrote new pieces of my novel everyday.
I miss my Cam, now that she's all about her boyfriend. I miss our mutual being "a muse" and I like her Igor a lot. He's a nice guy. Plays the guitar and dreams of being a rock star. And who doesn't?
I'm all in doubt - I want to stay myself but I know that people won't be eager to mix with this ME. Then I'm ready to try to be sexy hot and cool - but it's not really me. I am dull, absent minded, slow reacting and touchy.
I re-found old Limp Bizkit for myself though I hate their new songs. The last band that shook my mind was Radiohead with their old compositions...
Oh! And I adore Calogero now - very smooth, beautiful music and his perfect voice!!! Go, France! Allez!

Conny's in hospital. I'm in love. I want to share every sweet and bitter moment with him but I guess there's no hope to find a place for me in the heart of his...
And I still don't know what I am...
Kisses
Cats

Let's rock!!!

2005-05-27T18:57:25Z

A rock concert is a wonderful thing! Today I've been at one, it's called "Rocking". There were several good bands from our region (some of new metal and some of punk) and I really enjoyed the show!
Wow! Ou-hhhha! We jumped and we shouted out the lyrics. I lost my voice.
And the first half of the day was extremely bad. So much sh** happened at work that I feared I wouldn't go through that. And first of all, it 's been raining all the day.
So at the end of the day I got wet but extremely happy! Hurray!
Cats

A bit of thought

2005-05-25T19:21:51Z

Today I watched "Master & Commander" for a 100th time. I adore this movie. Russel Crowe had never been my fave actor till I saw the picture. And the pair - Crowe and Bettany is so amazing! This movie is very truthful and I could say - even authentic. The pity is that good pictures rarely get enough feedback from the audience. Heh... There'll be no sequel, I fear...

Dear Rita, I love you!

2005-05-23T18:43:41Z

Two pieces of news: the worst and some good.
Bad: My parents decided (I can't find any other word) to kill my dog and they did it this evening.
My mom called me a soulless bitch as I didn't want to be there when my dog died.
Good: I phoned Conny and talked to him for 2 minutes at 2 p.m. and for 6 minutes at 10 p.m. he feels bad as he's got high temperature (that's not a piece of good news) and he talks with the great nasal accent or whatever it's called.
Love you all,
Cats

Go with the flow

2005-05-22T19:27:46Z

Summer days in May! That's a miracle in Perm!
I tried to enjoy the weather every single day. A lot of walking down the city and a lot of beer.
A lot of thinking and talking to Cam. Lots of pointless chats and fights with my bro.
And 1, single but very huge mistake!!! I feel terrible when I recall that event. Hm...
Plus:
- I understood that there are people who adore the LOTR and those, Star Warriors.I'm mad about Tolkien
- Conny was beaten while hanging out in the street at night. That's awful!
- The football season has started in our city, hurray!
- I even managed to swim, the water was terribly cold!
- and I heard a compilation of some scandinavian bands like Twoface and Manboy - some new (for me) good music to my ears!
Today it was a bit colder which means - back to work and regular things in my life!

a test not to bore you with my moaning

2005-05-17T19:26:20Z

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

movies

2005-05-13T20:11:13Z

My bro and I went to the movies today. "The Kingdom of Heaven" became for me the worst film I've seen recently. I couldn't wait till the end - it's the first time I got such a sensation in the theatre...
I saw HP-4 preview - I'm a fool but I'm dying of the desire to watch it!!!
PS: During the 4 hours we've been together my bro got me in bad mood for 2 times and nearly made me cry... Family bonds...
PPS: Cam saw Athlete's album in another music store - I have to have it!!!!!!!!

hm...

2005-05-11T19:31:22Z

This is what you come to if you think of somebody too much. Perhaps, it’s too personal but I’m feeling so much better posting it.
To Conny
I think of you every day. You’re stuck in my head.
- Tell me, is it love?
Your gray, so deeply earnest eyes, nervous, trembling lips, thin fingers, pale skin. All about you strikes me with awe. Even the tobacco smell means sweetness to me. And your scars seem to be the greatest masterpiece in the world.
- Think I’m head over ears in love?
There comes your voice in the phone and my jaw gets stiff. I fall dumb. I forget what I’ve called you for. You keep silence. Me too.
- Maybe, it’s a disease?
I guess I know all your intonations, your tones and halftones. I feel your mood, I see it in your movements, your eyes, blush on the cheeks, though you’re so cold and reserved nearly all the time.
- Perhaps, consider me an idiot?
Each and every word you utter, every phrase, spoken thought, a silly joke – they all get cut in my memory, they are left as salt on my skin and retold for a thousand times to poor Cam who’s sick and tired of my moaning.
- Is it somewhat paranoid, in your opinion?
I’m like a fish out of water without you. I may check my e-mail hundreds of times if there’s a chance of you sending a message to me. Alas! My disappointment grows so bitter when I find no letters from you, when I don’t speak with you even with the help of this cold metal-box-plus-monitor. And after a couple of days of offence with anger I give up and sit to write you instead.
- Does it seem that I’m haunting you?
You don’t call me. You don’t drop at mine’s. And recently you don’t mix with me at all. You don’t care.
- Think you’re right, don’t you?
- Sure you are merciful, aren’t you?
- Don’t give a damn at my love, do you?
Hell, I still can’t get rid of you in my heart.
- So? Is it hopeless?

Ему
Я думаю о тебе каждый день. Ты не выходишь у меня из головы.
- Скажи мне, это – любовь?
Твои серые, такие серьезные глаза, нервные дрожащие губы, тонкие пальцы, бледная кожа. Все это внушает мне трепет. И даже запах табака для меня стал сладок. А твои шрамы кажутся лучшим произведением искусства.
- Думаешь, я по уши влюблена?
В телефонной трубке слышен твой голос, и мои челюсти сводит, я немею, я забываю, зачем звонила. А ты молчишь. Я тоже.
- Может, это уже болезнь?
Мне кажется, я знаю, все твои интонации, тоны и полутоны. Я чувствую твое настроение, вижу его в твоих движениях, глазах, краске на щеках, хотя ты так холоден и скрытен почти все время.
- Наверное, считаешь меня идиоткой?
Каждое твое слово, фраза, высказанная мысль, нелепый анекдот – все это врезается в мою память, остается на моей коже и пересказывается тысячу раз бедной Кам, которая уже устала слышать мои стоны.
- По-твоему, у меня паранойя?
Я не нахожу себе места. Я могу сотни раз проверять свою почту, когда жду от тебя письма. И, о! Как же горько мое разочарование, если ты ничего мне не пишешь, если я не говорю с тобой хотя бы по средствам этого холодного железного ящика с монитором. После нескольких дней обиды и злости я сажусь и отправляю тебе письмо сама.
- Кажется, я преследую тебя?
Ты не звонишь. Не заходишь. И в последнее время даже не общаешься со мной. Тебе все равно.
- Думаешь, ты прав?
- Считаешь, что милосерден?
- Тебе плевать на мою любовь?
Черт, ну, не могу я вырвать тебя из сердца.
- И что, все безнадежно?

let's work, other things will wait

2005-05-06T20:32:03Z

I'm afraid of the coming holidays. Don't want to have rest. It's bad for me. Because I'm fed up with the thoughts I've got in my head.
still, hurray for the 60th Victory Day!!!!!
Cats

Rain comes to Perm

2005-05-03T19:36:02Z

You know, I never want to post a depressive entry on purpose. It's just I feel that bad and that's all.
I wrote a story today. Hope Cam say it's good. I wanted someone else (I don't pronounce any of his names today) to read it but now I'm all in doubt. A bit of the song that describes my state.

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

HOLIDAYS!!!!!

2005-05-02T19:35:26Z

HA.
that was the word/sound I produced every half an hour this day. I was reflecting on what had been done the day before.
Ha - ashamed - for trying to keep Conny awake and talking nonsense.
Ha- laughing - because of some jokes I heard
Ha - stubborn - because of Conny's behavior
Ha - disappointed - for deciding to drop these useless efforts to get Conny.
Haaaaaa- because of my headache and lack of sleep.
The 1st of May was one of the best days this year:
11.00 - taking part in the May demonstration
13.00 - doing shopping in one of the best supermarkets of our city
14.00 - easter home party at my friend's
18.00 - KVN. Our students' joking on stage
22.00 - meeting Cam + a bottle of beer
23.00 - meeting Conny + more alcohol
04.30 - going to sleep
08.30 - the day after, going to work

Holidays

2005-04-29T20:23:01Z

Holidays are coming to Russia! That's for sure! I feel it by my mmm... whatever.. I'm in no mood to work. To think. To act.
My good friend came from Moscow and now it's time to rock!!!!! I did it yesterday, actually. I had a nice friendly chat with my girls and drank 3 glasses of german wine.
The night was awful. The morning after was even worse.
And tomorrow (on Saturday) I have another party and then it'll be the 1st of May. Will I survive?
My friends try to encourage me to do more writing. I look at my bro (who's a philologist) and fill with fear. He's many times better than me...
My work sucks. Lots of problems that I can't solve. But the good thing at my work is mixing with people. Some of them come and give me CDs with their favorite music, others can boast that they know Ville Valo and that he comes to their bar to get drunk. Here come skating and gymnastics coaches to find some music for their programs. And many other people.
Still the nicest thing is when my friends drop by to see me. A smile of silly happiness appears on my face, time runs quicker and my work seems even better.
Wow! such a long post from me... At the bottom of my heart I'm sad. Conny (that one whom I called HE now has his name here thanks to Jeanne) went to the country for the holidays saying no goodbye to me.
O.k. That's it...
Cats

Personality test

2005-04-27T20:53:41Z

INFP - the Healer
You scored 27% I to E, 15% N to S, 47% F to T, and 57% J to P!

You are more introverted than extroverted. You are more intuitive than observant, you are more feeling based than thinking based, and you prefer to go with the flow rather than having a plan. Your type can best be summarized by the word "Healer", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. You have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. You strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an idealist. Only 1% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you are usually supprtive and nuturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. Harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. When you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. You can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. You feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. You need to be understood. You need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better. Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: INFP

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 33% on I to E

You scored higher than 8% on N to S

You scored higher than 45% on F to T

You scored higher than 62% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

A weekend to remember

2005-04-26T19:52:37Z

It was rather hot here (20 degrees C) and in Perm usually it means that we should catch each this given drop of warmth to enjoy.
That's why we went for a walk on Sunday. "We" were me, Cam and her bro, Cyrill. Later He joined us to. The guys walked before us and I felt rather lonely (and there was a deep desire to throw my mobile at them).
* feels like she's talking foolish things*
But later there left only two of us and we spent 2 wonderful hours together. Talked. Smoked (I don't smoke, really). And drank beer.
I woke up sick next day. It's a cold. And he's got a sort of cold, too. Nice!!!
I'm not in the working mood this week. My friend's come from Moscow and we are going to get together with the ex-fellow students. Some of them have children already, he he.
I'm thinking about getting the second higher education and my bro says I'm good at writing critics. So, maybe I'll try...
That's it. Kisses
Sick Cats

cats_shaped @ 2005-04-23T02:09:00

2005-04-22T20:22:39Z

I love "Athlete", their subtle and metaphoric lyrics. I think I can even write some review on this band. It may suffer from the lack of objectivity but why not to try?
now there's only some lines to share with you, from "Tourist"

This European air,
it always warms my face,
I wish I could buy some.
I will bring you stories,
And brilliant photos,
like a regular tourist.

We don't go breaking down,
I feel like nothing ever will,
We don't go breaking down,
I feel like nothing.

Suitcases down our street,
Are rolling once again,
I roll away with them,
Five days inside Zoo York,
To lose myself with friends,
I'm nowhere without you.

I see hope is here, in a plastic box...

2005-04-22T19:41:59Z

A traffic jam. A bottle of beer. A walk down the night city. An evening spent with him (no results). A fine for speeding. And my offended brother.
That was my day today.
PS:
I saw "white noise" - so-so (the screenplay's bad I guess)
"the pacifier" - nothing good or interesting.
"hitch..." - too sweet.
And so, after all, I went and watched "The Fellowship of the Ring" for a mln-th time...

After watching "Man without face" movie by Gibson.

2005-04-21T20:06:11Z

Things that can make me cry:
- love
- movies (not all and not love stories usually)
- music (athlete - the recent times)
- poor homeless animals
- people that offend me
- some unknown people suffering
- deep tiredness and nervousness
- the feeling of helplessness
- many other -ness-things
The list's great I just don't remember everything now...

I missed my night hours in the Internet

2005-04-19T20:55:45Z

These days were crazy. Different events and many faces I wish I didn't see.
Finally fair weather arrived in our city (just for a couple of days as it turned out). On Sunday we went for a walk which ended with my friend Cam's constant talking over phone with her b/f. Also with my self-pitying again. Coming home and sending an insane message to Cam who had to ask her boy what it meant.
Then I was to weak, sad and sleepy to sit in the I-net so I went to bed.
Yesterday Cam asked me to send an application form for her boyfriend's band. We couldn't get any sleep and talked half of the night.
Today I'm here. Back to normal, usual, everyday, boring me.
Dear Jeanne! I hope it wasn't too much with my trying to get you on-line. Or am I annoying?
Hugs and kisses to everyone
Cats

Star War'sJedi
Name / Username
Ты на	Темной стороне
Цвет твоего светового меча	белый
Уровень твоего мастерства	магистр
Потенциал развития	сверхвысокий
Тебя убьют?	Да

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